Little Green Footballs

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Paranoid Larry

Having sated the IRS for another year, Dennis the Peasant is back to doing what he does best*.

We were just about to dig into the day's speciality, the Bistro's famed Quarter Flounder with Cheese, when the front door burst open and Paranoid Larry appeared.

Despite the fact that Larry had had a tough go of it in life, and therefore was deserving of some sympathy and forbearance, his arrival was not met with alloyed joy. Larry made life somewhat more difficult to enjoy when he was around than when he was absent. Each of us knew today wasn't going to be any different. He stood in the doorway, covered in sweat, gasping for breath. He appeared to be on the verge of panicking.

"Muslims..." he croaked between gasps.

Paranoid Larry was a pretty good sized man. He was just over six feet tall and was lean and muscular. And befitting his counter-culture past, he had a long, but neatly trimmed ponytail. He wore an incredibly ugly Hawaiian shirt. Larry was lean primarily because he went everywhere on his ten-speed bicycle. Before opening Paranoid Larry's Land of Security, he’d been a professional musician, and was known as one of the greatest accordion players ever seen on the northeastern Ohio polka circuit.

"Moose limbs?" asked Clyde Woodrow in a bland tone. "Ain't no Moose in these parts."

"No. No. No," replied Larry, as he began to gather himself, "Muslims."

Larry paused for the significance of his pronouncement to sink in. When it became obvious that it wasn’t, he continued.

"Muslims have invaded Westerville!"

Read the whole, as they say, thing.

*I mean political satire, but for all I know he's a damn fine accountant too.

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